Better Living Guides: "Be Free from Unhealthy Relationships" with Rhonda Findling!

Dear Joyanta, The following is an excerpt from the "Be Free From Unhealthy Relationships" online course by Rhonda Findling. This course comes with the option to choose your own price! If you'd like to take the entire course, click here. If you are reading this, then you are very likely someone who is trying to not call, text, e-mail, or even contact via Facebook a person that you: - Have broken up with, or has broken up with you - Have determined is abusive - Are highly attracted to, but is not returning your level of interest (for whatever reason) - Have an unhealthy connection or relationship with - Is presently in your life, but you're trying to not act needy with. Through this work, deep feelings might emerge or become triggered while you work on detaching from the person with whom you are having an unhealthy relationship. You will learn new behaviors, ideas, and concepts to use as tools to help support you in your process. I suggest keeping a journal where you can jot down your thoughts, emotions, and ideas to help in your transformational journey. A journal will also be useful for the writing exercise at the end of this lesson. The whole point of resisting the urge to call, text, or e-mail is to: - Avoid the risk of getting rejected, hurt, and humiliated - Give them a chance to feel the loss of you - Not put yourself in a position of pursuing someone who doesn't return your level of interest - Detach from someone you've broken up with or has broken up with you - Detach from someone you've determined is not good for you - Detach from someone who is abusive - Detach from someone who is emotionally unavailable - Not act too overly needy with someone who is currently in your life. When you contact someone you're not hearing from or trying to let go of, there can be a pleasurable rush of adrenaline from the anticipation of seeing them, hearing their voice, or reading their message. But this rush is just a temporary fix for which you may have to pay a tremendous price. Even if the person does respond positively when you contact them, it may be momentarily thrilling or electrifying. Soon, however, the anguish will return because the problem is still there -- nothing has really changed. You're still not a couple or the person remains emotionally unavailable. You'll just have to start detaching all over again, doubling your efforts in the process. If you've ended the relationship because someone was doing something that you experienced as hurtful or simply refused to tolerate any longer, contacting them would take away your credibility for the boundary you set. By initiating contact, you would also be colluding with the behavior you already told them was unacceptable. Impulsivity When you contact someone you're trying not to act needy with, it's often impulsive. Acting on impulse can make life exciting and dramatic ... but it can also put you at risk because you're not thinking of the future and the consequences of your behavior. You're just acting in the moment. So, if you're thinking of making contact, take time to reflect. Sit on your feelings. Endure your anxiety. Don't just do something because you feel like it. There could be disastrous effects if you do. Call people in your support system to discuss any impulsive urges that come over you -- whether to see, e-mail, call, or text them. Discuss and process your feelings with safe and reliable people. Remember that feelings do pass. After all, feelings are only temporary, which is why it's important to hang in there even when the urge to contact them feels unbearable. You have to do whatever it takes to endure these urges so you can eventually move beyond them. As you do this more and more, you will feel yourself gaining emotional strength. Clinging Clinging is any behavior that demonstrates holding on and not letting go. This can be exemplified by activities ranging from a compulsive phone call, text, or e-mail when they haven't responded to any of your previous contacts. Contacting someone who is not reciprocating your interest or has rejected you is a form of clinging. The urge to cling can be irresistible. You know with your rational mind that your behavior isn't appropriate, but you are driven by a compulsion you feel you can't control. You may experience actual discomfort when you don't carry out your compulsive act. It's essential to remember that clinging behavior causes most people to distance themselves even further. If someone has issues about intimacy, your clinging will make them feel closed in and claustrophobic. They may feel as if they have no room to breathe from your relentless attempts to get them to prove that they're not going to leave you. Your clinging also makes you look emotionally hungry -- and in turn makes them feel that they'll have to endlessly supply you with reassuring love, which will soon scare them off. It's human nature to have a hard time falling in love with someone who bombards with phone calls, texts, or e-mails. A clinging person doesn't leave someone a chance to long and yearn for them. They are so available that another person doesn't have the space to fantasize about or miss them -- which unfortunately is sometimes what falling in love is all about. Why clinging is not productive There are people whose psychological problems prohibit them from having a relationship. These people are married to their pathology. Your chasing them will not break through their defenses, resistances, and impairment. Sometimes their lack of response or reciprocation is not even about you; it's truly about them. It doesn't make a difference, because no matter who it's about, they just can't do it. They can't be there for you. You must face the truth of their unavailability so you can let them go and move on. The bottom line is that you can't force another person's feelings, motivation for relationship, or emotional health no matter how many rules and programs you follow or implement. In fact, if you don't chase them around, you'll get an opportunity to see what they do when they don't get any prompts or reminders from you. Action steps: What you can do when you feel the need to cling - Visit dating websites. It will show you the abundance of people out there. You might meet someone new who is better than the person you're trying to move beyond. - Distract yourself. Do whatever it takes to not think about the person you're trying to let go of -- even if it feels counterintuitive to do so. - Call someone in your support system. Writing exercises and action steps - Think of a time you were clinging to someone you were in love with. What were you feeling? What was behind the clinging? Was there another action you could have taken to not cling? - What does it feel like to show someone you have been clinging to that you are now independent? Does it feel empowering? - The next time you feel insecure or lonely, try not to reach out to the emotionally unavailable person you are currently attached to. Instead, endure so you can see how you get through it on your own. Write about your feelings that come up in your journal. - Try to imagine life without the stress of an emotionally unavailable person's confusing behavior. Get to know how it feels to have emotional space free of them. Again, record your feelings in your journal. - Visualize yourself in a relationship with someone who's sure of their love for you – someone who makes you feel secure and has never disappointed or betrayed you. Describe your relationship in your journal. What is that person like? How do you feel when you're with them? Spiritual tip #5: Surrendering to what is If you're trying to hold onto someone even though you know it's a hopeless situation, then you are resisting the inevitable. When it's time for someone to go, you can't fight it. The relationship time with them has passed, even if it hurts. Surrender to what is. For more information visit Be Free From Unhealthy Relationships Sincerely, http://www.astrology.com Forward this offer to your friends and family. Give them the gift of self-knowledge through astrology!

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